Spent, Tired, Worn

For years I've prayed that my grandma would live to meet my first daughter. I've wanted to name my first daughter Abigail for as long as I can remember. I decided a few years ago that I wanted her middle name to be Alethea -- meaning truth. My grandma's name is Edith Alethea, so I told her that I wanted her to meet this little girl. She told me to hurry up. :)

For months I've prayed that my grandma would live to meet me when I return to America next year. I spent a day with her in April where we went out to eat in the tiny cafe in Mayville, ND, looked through old photos and gave me a dish set that she got for her wedding. She told stories and I laughed so hard! My grandma was funny and feisty -- not your normal grandma by any means.

For weeks I've prayed that my grandma would not be in pain. She had a heart attack and then her kidneys began to fail. On October 11th, God answered that prayer in a way that was contrary to my liking. He brought her Home, where there is no more pain.

My last time with Grandma, April 11th 

A few weeks ago I posted about being "Filled". Last Sunday (October 6th), I hit a wall. My grandma wasn't doing well, my birthday was approaching (birthdays are a big deal to my family and friends!), and I felt like my ministry was of no value. I struggled all week, with journal entries including, "I feel like I should have been able to get over this wall by now, but I'm just stuck. I have no passion." and "Everything is gone. My motivation, my love, my desire to even be in Africa. What's wrong with me?" I knew I needed to retreat to a quiet place to meet with God away from everything, so a dear friend advised me to go to a place called Mto Moyoni. With my bags all packed and ready to leave the next morning, I awoke to find that my grandma had passed while I was sleeping. Needless to say, I needed to escape.

The song "Worn" has been playing through my mind this weekend.

For real -- the view from my porch! 

I arrived at a beautiful place right on the Nile and started by reading a book entitled Failure is Not Final. This woman was a missionary building relationships and one day just had it. She lost her passion and went into a dark depression, where in her own words, she was "spent". I related to her so much. I loved what I was doing, but it suddenly became very trivial. It didn't help that other mzungu would hear that my name was Kate and I live in Jinja and they would exclaim, "You're the real Katie?!" I knew they were talking of Katie Davis. No, I'm Kate who only really invests in a few women. I wanted something bigger.

My dear friend, Anna, brought me flowers! 

The view from my hammock

It was in that quiet that I realized that I didn't need a bigger ministry. I needed a bigger view of God. I have a passion for discipleship, but somewhere I lost that passion.

While I had escaped all the business of ministry and everything Jinja has to keep me occupied, my mind was still not quiet. I went from reading Failure is Not Final (yes, I finished it that day) to reading my Bible, writing letters, writing in my journal, and reading Jane Eyre. I was still busy. It wasn't until Sunday afternoon that I realized that I had come to escape from the business, but I brought it with me. I put away my books and set down my pen, and was just quiet.

My favorite place on the hammock hanging over the river

My friend Zach Jaszczak always told me that sometimes it's okay just to be quiet. I always fight this because quiet is not something I'm good at. I like to be busy.

I told God all of my passions and desires right now. A few of them were "I want my grandma back", or "I want to be in America right now". Suddenly it hit me that God knew what I wanted, but He also knew what I needed. And for some reason, He knew I needed to be right here. He has good for me, and enough grace and mercy to get me through this dark season.

Milo David, born August 22

I don't know why God answered with "no" to my first two prayer requests regarding my grandma -- I probably never will. I know my grandma is in heaven with her Jesus and her husband again, but I'm still mourning. Exactly 6 months, to the day, that I saw her, she left to be with Jesus. I'll see her again someday.

So where am I now? I'm back in Jinja with a few days off before I jump back into ministry. I don't quite have the same passion, but a deeper sense of the fact that God is with me. He knows my hurt and feels my pain. I'm in Uganda. My heart is torn and wants to be in America, but He knows that I'm here right now. I want to be with my newest nephew that I haven't met yet, to be with my family as they remember all of grandma's funny stories, and be there for her funeral.

Thank you for your prayers during this time.




Pray:

• That I would find peace and joy knowing that my grandma is Home
• That I would find my strength in Him to continue to love these people
• That I would find passion in my ministry again
• For my family as they have the memorial services this week