Tears in Masese

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior

I think these are the scariest words for a prayer. Personally, I like my trust to have borders and to walk upon the solid ground. But I've found that when I'm at the end of myself, that's where I find God. That's when I find that His strength is perfect and enough. My faith will be made stronger in the presence of my Savior. This prayer comes from a song called Oceans (Where Feet May Fail) by Hillsong, and another line reads, “You've never failed and You won't start now”. I need to be reminded of that. Daily.

Silas is one month!

Somedays I am frustrated. I want things to make sense and for my emotions to settle and the future to be clear. I want my friends here to grasp the power of the Gospel in their own lives. I want to learn to trust Him.

While I'm cutting off of social media shortly, I was advised not to stop blogging – so I'm not leaving!

Laundry day

I love Masese, I'm not sure if you can sense a trend in my posts as of late, but it's true. Upon arrival today there was unrest (which is usual there) as Lillian was in tears, Irene was silently scrubbing the clothes, and another woman was shouting in Karamajong. While I had intended on continuing my way through the book of John, I suddenly felt the Spirit's leading to speak about anger. The Karamajong are tough people. We looked at Matthew and Luke's account of Jesus' words in the Sermon on the Mount and I challenged them to be serious. We talked about how this is hard, and to be honest, impossible. We agreed that God needed to be the One working this love in our heart, because it's certainly not there by nature. We sang songs in Karamajong, prayed, and they all went their separate ways.

Irene's daughter, Justine

I sat and cried for these women.

Lillian – one I've been seeing budding faith in for a few weeks – returned and asked to pray with me. She was in a hard place with the woman mentioned that was yelling, as this woman was involving the police on matters that were (hopefully) based on lies. She cried as she asked God to forgive her for her hatred of this woman. She asked Him to teach her how to love this woman so that she would know Jesus too. She pleaded that if her name was written in the book of death that He would erase it and move it to the Book of Life. She confessed that she has lived in sin and remained there, but claimed the promise that Jesus took her sins on the cross. She prayed that God would keep her in His hands, because “that's the only place I'm safe and have peace with the Lord.” Needless to say, I cried too.

Vicky! 

This woman is 17 and 6 months pregnant. Irene said she grew up with CRO (Child Restoration Organization) and they drill the children in the Bible, so she knows the “Sunday School answers”, if you will. However, up to a few weeks back she had been returning home drunk each night. Irene saw a change in her and started to inquire, and Lillian said she wanted to belong to God, but didn't know how. The only thing she knew was to get rid of the alcohol – a sign to the culture of someone who is not born-again. I asked Irene if she thought Lillian was serious, and with tears in her eyes she said, “Yes, Auntie Kate. Yes. Today Lillian got a new heart.”

Overwhelmed, I cried once more.

I'm so exceedingly blessed to be a part of the work God is doing in Masese. He loves these women so much and has given me such a small portion of His ever abundant love for them as well. I'm so thankful that I get to walk with these women – it's not about converting one and moving on to the next one. I have the privilege of walking with Lillian now as well. She asked if we could take tea together soon! And by walking together I mean that I would also be learning. Her words about being safe and having peace in the hands of the Lord humbled me. 

I want to be there too.

My namesake, Kate, refused to smile

As this new month begins, I will be honest, I'm frightened. I rely so heavily on communication with friends and family. I love to be able to escape to America: either with having people remind me they're praying and that I'm not forgotten, or just having a fun distraction and feeling normal again. So I'm choosing to trust God in this season. He is enough for me and has a purpose for this time. My faith, weak and doubting, will be forced to be made stronger in the presence of my Savior.

In His hands,

Kate

About to bathe my first babe!

Their attempts not to let my things get dirty! 

Hiding

“Mzungu cannot be friends with African.”

These words hurt.

I was weaving my way to Irene's house last week and approached by a man who asked what I was doing. When I told him that I was visiting my friends that stayed there, he was shocked and said, “No bzungu live in Masese!” I corrected him that my friends were Ugandan, specifically, Karamajong. He started to smile and said, “Ohhh, but mzungu cannot be friends with African. What do you bring them?”

A little discouraged at this point, I said, “I don't bring them anything. We talk and laugh and hang out and read from the Bible together.” He could not understand this. Once again he informed me that mzungu cannot be real friends with Africans.

But they are my friends.

Rebekah doesn't like fish but loves butterflies.

Irene loves the rain and hates mushrooms. Just like me!

Maureen wants to be a hair stylist someday.

Esther wants her baby Silas to grow to be a strong man of God, like Silas in the book of Acts.

Lillian wants to get married just as badly as I do!

For a long time I saw these women as “my women”, a sort of project that I was working on. Over the last week my mindset has completely changed. These are my friends. I've gotten to know them, I've laughed with them. I've cried with them for the things that hurt them, and they've cried with me when my grandma passed. I hold their babies and sit with them in silence when the big rain drowns out all sound under the tin roofs. I love my friends here.

They make me laugh! This week Irene looked at me with my hair still wet from my shower and said, "Why does your hair look like goat intestines today?" I laughed out loud at that one! A few minutes later she asked, "Auntie Kate, do chickens urinate?" Such innocence and joy they bring me!

I have been torn as of late though. I so badly want to be in America with friends and family. So I'm doing something that is exceedingly hard for me – I'm going offline for the month of November. I really love being able to connect with so many of you on a daily basis, but I don't think it's healthy for me. Lately my waking and sleeping thoughts have been in America, which means I'm not fully here. I love what I do here, but I'm distracted right now. So, as hard as it is, I'm removing the distraction.

“Wherever you are, be all there. Live to the hilt every situation you believe to be the will of God.” – Jim Elliot

While I have loved being able to be a part of life in America, sometimes I envy those missionaries in previous generations that had little to no commutation with home. It's hard to be torn. My absence does not imply that I do not care about all of you back home, but it is merely to love the people here more effectively, and to rely on God even more. It's easy for me to run to my comforts when I'm sad or discouraged, but I need God. Learning to trust Him in the midst of pain, sadness, change, and the disheartening mundane times as well has been something I avoid. I run to everything and everyone else.

I want to learn to run to Him.

Please pray:

• This would be a time of refreshment and renewed passion for the people of Uganda
• That I would learn to rely on God for my peace, love, guidance, and joy
• That God would prove Himself as the Comforter when my other strongholds are stripped away

This is little Grace

Life will continue here though. I now have two Bible studies in Masese, one with the women from Buzika in town as well as house visits in their village, and trips out to the island on Saturday. I'll still sit with Sandra and listen as she tells of her fear of delivery and I'll teach in the primary schools about what abortion really is. But maybe, just maybe, I will learn to be quiet.

Lemon pie for my birthday! 

To God be the glory,
Kate

Grace and her mom, Mary and I listening to the teaching

Deep Breath. I'm okay.

This week has been hard. Many tears with a few laughs in between. But life has continued. The grace of God has not run dry. I watched Anne of Green Gables, sobbed profusely when Matthew died, and waltzed around the living room when no one was home with my imaginary Gilbert. Yes, I may be 12 at heart, but it's these small things that keep me sane. I don't lose myself. One of the biggest prayer requests that my dear friend, Bekah Moore, had when she moved to Nepal almost 2 years ago was that she would not lose her personality. I need to just be Kate sometimes. And sometimes that means living in Avonlea with Anne, Di, Gil, and all my other friends!

Wednesday was my first attempt at returning to normal life here. It was hard. I cried to my friends from Nyenga and they were scared out of their mind. They confessed to never having seen a mzungu cry. I don't think they expected me to turn pink! That evening my friend Mary with baby Promise came to the office. Promise was sick and not doing well, and Mary was terrified. She sat with her face in my lap as I held her and she cried. I tried the usual with God is able to heal her, but she backfired it to me, “But God didn't heal your grandma. Why not?”

Promise

We sat there together and cried. I sang “It is Well With my Soul” (funny that this was the processional hymn at my grandma's funeral) and sat with tears for a long time. To be honest, her question made me mad at God.

Then it hit me that God did heal her. Completely. She had poor eye sight for the last few years, and while I didn't see it these last month, she was in pain. God healed her completely. The location of her healing was different than I had desired, but He did heal.

Victoria Nile Primary

My grandma's funeral was on Thursday morning (evening for me) and I was incredibly blessed to be a part of it via Skype. Technology will never cease to amaze me! I got to see all of my family, attend the service, and talk with my loving sister Kari for 2 hours total. It was perfect. I needed it.

We sang “Step by Step”, my grandma's favorite song. As it is rather contemporary for my grandma, my Auntie Cheryl explained about how she would always say, “day by day” in walking with the Lord. But grandma would correct her with, “step by step”. Even in the hospital they would sing that song, and grandma would continue to walk with Him step by step. I want that faith. I have such a beautiful legacy in my grandma.

I love being in the classrooms!

Things are slowly getting back to “normal” here, not that normal is ever a thing of reality in Uganda. Change is inevitable, every day. But I've played with the Jore kids, lost at a game of Settlers of Catan, ate homemade ice cream, played ring-around-the-rosy on the island, and taught at a few primary schools about pregnancies and abortions. I've laughed, sung, danced, ate good food, and read Jane Eyre.

I love these people. I love them because God loves them. And God loves them more than I love them. It's good to remind myself of that. Step by step, every day in every moment, following Him.

The last I've heard, Promise is doing okay. Prayer for her would be appreciated!

Monkeys!

Is this normal?

Pray:

• Finances
• Housing situation
• Love, joy, and PEACE!

Spent, Tired, Worn

For years I've prayed that my grandma would live to meet my first daughter. I've wanted to name my first daughter Abigail for as long as I can remember. I decided a few years ago that I wanted her middle name to be Alethea -- meaning truth. My grandma's name is Edith Alethea, so I told her that I wanted her to meet this little girl. She told me to hurry up. :)

For months I've prayed that my grandma would live to meet me when I return to America next year. I spent a day with her in April where we went out to eat in the tiny cafe in Mayville, ND, looked through old photos and gave me a dish set that she got for her wedding. She told stories and I laughed so hard! My grandma was funny and feisty -- not your normal grandma by any means.

For weeks I've prayed that my grandma would not be in pain. She had a heart attack and then her kidneys began to fail. On October 11th, God answered that prayer in a way that was contrary to my liking. He brought her Home, where there is no more pain.

My last time with Grandma, April 11th 

A few weeks ago I posted about being "Filled". Last Sunday (October 6th), I hit a wall. My grandma wasn't doing well, my birthday was approaching (birthdays are a big deal to my family and friends!), and I felt like my ministry was of no value. I struggled all week, with journal entries including, "I feel like I should have been able to get over this wall by now, but I'm just stuck. I have no passion." and "Everything is gone. My motivation, my love, my desire to even be in Africa. What's wrong with me?" I knew I needed to retreat to a quiet place to meet with God away from everything, so a dear friend advised me to go to a place called Mto Moyoni. With my bags all packed and ready to leave the next morning, I awoke to find that my grandma had passed while I was sleeping. Needless to say, I needed to escape.

The song "Worn" has been playing through my mind this weekend.

For real -- the view from my porch! 

I arrived at a beautiful place right on the Nile and started by reading a book entitled Failure is Not Final. This woman was a missionary building relationships and one day just had it. She lost her passion and went into a dark depression, where in her own words, she was "spent". I related to her so much. I loved what I was doing, but it suddenly became very trivial. It didn't help that other mzungu would hear that my name was Kate and I live in Jinja and they would exclaim, "You're the real Katie?!" I knew they were talking of Katie Davis. No, I'm Kate who only really invests in a few women. I wanted something bigger.

My dear friend, Anna, brought me flowers! 

The view from my hammock

It was in that quiet that I realized that I didn't need a bigger ministry. I needed a bigger view of God. I have a passion for discipleship, but somewhere I lost that passion.

While I had escaped all the business of ministry and everything Jinja has to keep me occupied, my mind was still not quiet. I went from reading Failure is Not Final (yes, I finished it that day) to reading my Bible, writing letters, writing in my journal, and reading Jane Eyre. I was still busy. It wasn't until Sunday afternoon that I realized that I had come to escape from the business, but I brought it with me. I put away my books and set down my pen, and was just quiet.

My favorite place on the hammock hanging over the river

My friend Zach Jaszczak always told me that sometimes it's okay just to be quiet. I always fight this because quiet is not something I'm good at. I like to be busy.

I told God all of my passions and desires right now. A few of them were "I want my grandma back", or "I want to be in America right now". Suddenly it hit me that God knew what I wanted, but He also knew what I needed. And for some reason, He knew I needed to be right here. He has good for me, and enough grace and mercy to get me through this dark season.

Milo David, born August 22

I don't know why God answered with "no" to my first two prayer requests regarding my grandma -- I probably never will. I know my grandma is in heaven with her Jesus and her husband again, but I'm still mourning. Exactly 6 months, to the day, that I saw her, she left to be with Jesus. I'll see her again someday.

So where am I now? I'm back in Jinja with a few days off before I jump back into ministry. I don't quite have the same passion, but a deeper sense of the fact that God is with me. He knows my hurt and feels my pain. I'm in Uganda. My heart is torn and wants to be in America, but He knows that I'm here right now. I want to be with my newest nephew that I haven't met yet, to be with my family as they remember all of grandma's funny stories, and be there for her funeral.

Thank you for your prayers during this time.




Pray:

• That I would find peace and joy knowing that my grandma is Home
• That I would find my strength in Him to continue to love these people
• That I would find passion in my ministry again
• For my family as they have the memorial services this week

Violent Grace in the Face of Hell

I've been thinking about hell a lot lately.

I'm assuming this isn't a normal topic of thought for you; it's not normally on my mind either.

Chubby cheeked Treasure!

Do you ever wonder what hell is really, really like? It struck me this week that I will never truly know what torment belongs there. I will never see the anguish that they will endure for all of eternity.

Jenny caught Lucy and me being silly!

While my curiosity is stirred, I am thankful for my ignorance. I am blessed and moved to tears that I will never have to suffer whatever unknowns of suffering untold belong in the darkest places of condemnation. I am thankful that while I deserve that punishment, I will never know the extent of the price for my sin. Never.

In my heart, I know why God delays in returning. Somehow that is hard to get to my head though as I wonder why He doesn't come to extinguish all of the sorrow, pain, and suffering on earth.

"The moment I bring justice and relieve all suffering is the moment earth's inhabitants' eternal destiny is sealed. Not one more shall be joined to be then. To 'end it all,' as you say, will also mean to end the offer of grace -- a grace I delight to offer, a violent grace that cost me dearly." (Alcorn, 315)

Saida always gives me a smile!

As excited as I am for Him to return in all of His glory (whoa, does that kind of scare you too, or is that just me?), the thought of everyone's eternal destiny sealed off stops me in my tracks. I think of all of the people that I love that don't know Christ. I think of all of the people that I don't know that don't know Christ. I even think of all of the people that I don't even like that don't know Christ. This saddens my heart. They will have no hope.

However, as He has delayed His return and there are still people without His grace, that hope is not out of reach. This thought has given me new zeal this week. This ministry is not based on fear, but on hope and love. I know that God loves these people -- even the ones that I don't even want to like -- and that alone is enough to motivate me to point others to Him.

This week we had two babies born from women at the Center -- Mary and Esther. I absolutely love going to hold a baby not even a day old. I love that I get to talk to them about Jesus too! I love that I get to name the babies (such a huge honor!) and have the ability to use that as a teaching moment based on what the name means or who it was in the Bible. I love working with women that are pregnant and talking to them about the coming months. I love working with women in general; they are beautiful!

Piggy back rides and twirling around are our favorite

I have felt His violent grace. I know that Gospel -- good news -- of Jesus Christ and the blessings and new mercies He gives me each day. Ephesians 1 talks about how He lavished His grace upon us, which sure sounds like a lot of grace to me! Tonight I'm thankful for many, many things, but I'm choosing to praise Him for His violent grace.

Judith was not happy with us that day!

Ramsey is one of my favorites to play with

Carolyn and Judith

Baby Grace, born Sept. 27th

Baby Silas, born Oct. 3rd

Lucy and baby Judith

Angelina and baby Agan

One of the groups of Karamojong in Masese