Forgotten?

I've always appreciated honesty.

Can I be honest with you?

Sometimes I hate being here. I hate waking up in a strangers house, wearing different clothes, not being able to straighten my hair. I hate that I speak differently here, even when I'm speaking English: I say things like “You look smart!” meaning you look nice, or “I just shifted” meaning I moved. I hate that even though I know I'm not forgotten, I feel like I am. In America I constantly had friends over and went to coffee and texted all day long.

Do you know the phrase, “Out of sight, out of mind”? It doesn't apply to me.

While in a pity party this week I started to realize that life continues in America for all of my friends and family. Yeah, maybe you think of me once and a while, but life was not altered by my departure. I started thinking that my life has no value if I could be dead or alive and it wouldn't matter to anyone's daily life there. Harsh thoughts, I know, but they were there.

As the tears fell I recalled a small Bible verse I had memorized as a kid. “He must increase, but I must decrease.” (John 3:30)

I strive so hard to be known and loved and to make a difference; I long to be wanted. But when I think of my life, I want it to be more. I want to be seen as one who sought to make Him known and to tell the forgotten that they are loved and to show them that HE made a difference. That's what I want.

In the midst of my struggles in being in a foreign country as a single young woman, God has increased. Life here is hard, I'm not going to pretend it's not. But it's also wonderful and filled with hope and joy. It's filled with people that I love that are loved immensely more by the Father. He goes before me and is the reason that I am living in Jinja. He is the reason, it has nothing to do with me. It has everything to do with Him.

Do you ever have these thoughts?